Mortal Inaccuracies
by FellowLesbian
Summary: Sally Blofis has written all about her son's adventures. Now, they've become movies. Percy and Piper take it upon themselves to criticise Hollywood and how mortals interpret demigod lives. For International Fanworks Day 2019 on Ao3


"Come on!" Piper exclaimed, tugging at Percy's hand. "We can't miss this!"

"I know, I know!" Percy replied, speeding up. "I want to see this too! I'm in it!"

"Then let's go!" Piper said. They raced along the sidewalk, advancing towards the Village East Cinema that was about to be showing the newest movie, based upon a book series by the one and only Sally Blofis: Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief.

They were all surprised when Sally got a call from Hollywood offering a movie option, which she of course accepted. Percy was really excited about it, especially since he was in it! Well, not exactly, but someone would be acting him. _Him!_ It would really be something.

Piper wouldn't miss out on the chance to mock Percy about this, as well as to maybe catch a glimpse of his first quest. Probably wouldn't be too accurate, but she could get an idea, as well as see how much she knew. Criticising movies was always fun as well.

The couple skidded to a stop in front of the entrance doors, pushing them open while breathing heavily. "Sorry kids, we're sold out," the man at the front desk told them with a bored expression on his face.

Percy's grin dropped into a devastated expression. Piper then decided she was going for it. She leaned against the desk, batting her eyes at him. "But you'll let us in any way, won't you?" She said, pouring charmspeak into her words.

The man blinked. "Um, yes, of course," he said. "Let me go print some more off." The man walked away, and Piper turned to her boyfriend to see him gaping at her.

"Piper!" He said. "You can't do that!"

"Oh, come on, we'll be fine," Piper said, waving him off. "I know how much you want to see this. I want to see it just as much."

"But-" Percy tried, though the man walked back over, interrupting them. He handed them two tickets, his eyes glazed over. "Have fun," he said.

"We bought the last two tickets," Piper said, again putting in charmspeak. "You are only now out of the tickets." Piper then quickly pulled Percy towards the main room.

They turned in their tickets and got directions to the theatre. The movie had already started so they both bolted in the direction they had been instructed. "Too bad we can't get popcorn," Percy sighed as they entered the theatre. "I would've loved to have food right now."

"I've got two large boxes of M&M's," Piper said. "Is that enough?"

"I guess," Percy said. They got their first glimpse of the screen, which was a teen boy underwater. The couple managed to find two empty seats in the very back row (sorry, whoever was late) and finally sat down to relax.

As the intro carried on, they learned that the teen was Percy. "They sort of got it," Percy admitted. "I guess it works."

"Grover doesn't look like _that!"_ Piper whisper-shouted when they got a glimpse of him. "That's a lie!"

"Already off to a bad start," Percy said. "Let's hope they do better."

Of course, it didn't get better. "Chiron's a white horse, not a brown one," Piper said. "And since when were there more centaurs at camp?"

"Hold up, did they just give Annabeth red hair?" Percy exclaimed. "What were they thinking?"

"This is fucked," Piper sighed. "I can't imagine the actual quest."

"First off, Hades cannot do that," Percy said. "Second off, it was a hellhound, not Hades himself."

"Luke didn't give me a shield," Percy said. "It was just the shoes. Why is a shield necessary? And what is this map of pearls? I didn't have to look for them."

"We're getting so many weird stares," Piper said, leaning closer to Percy. "I think they think we're insane."

"Then let them think that," Percy said. "I know what happened."

"Didn't you say the bus exploded?" Piper whispered. "I saw no explosion."

"Flaw numbers one thousand and two thousand," Percy sighed. "We never got a truck from anywhere and there weren't other people in the gardens with us."

"At least we know the shield had a purpose," Piper said. "It wasn't a useless addition."

"I guess."

"When did I fight the hydra?" Percy said incredulously. "I found Echidna and the Chimera."

"Then blew up the St. Louis Arch," Piper added.

Percy scowled playfully at her. "Shut up."

"Where's the waterpark?" Percy said. "The Love Thingamajig that Ares used to fuck us up."

"Apparently it wasn't important," Piper sighed. "What a waste of content."

"Where's Cerberus?" Piper asked. "I would've loved to see him."

"Cerberus is amazing," Percy said. "He's a joy to play with."

"Only you, Percy, only you."

"Persephone wasn't there!" Percy exclaimed. "Why is she in here!"

"Way to make Persephone look much less approachable," Piper sighed. "I like Persephone. She's sweet, not a bitch like this."

"Where'd the scene with Ares go?" Percy asked. "Ares was a major part of that quest!"

"That's also not how you enter Olympus," Piper exhaled. "They really messed this up."

"The gods do not look like that," Percy said. "Some of them are sort of accurate, but no. And they aren't that much bigger than me! Only twice my height, not ten times it!"

"Overexaggeration," Piper said. "Making it look better. Hypocrites. Ares could've helped you with that."

And so, an hour and a half after they bribed their way in, the two stumbled out, laughing. "That was so terrible it was hilarious!" Percy gasped.

Piper leaned against him, chuckling. "I now know what my dad is a part of," she said. "Something terrible."

"Do you think anyone made the connection between me and the movie?" Percy asked her.

"It would be kind of great if they did, but at least there was no major scene," Piper concluded. "Maybe it's for the better." She paused. "Oh, how I can't wait to show this to Camp."

"Annabeth will flip out," Percy smiled. "It'll be amazing."

"Then she'll go off on you when you laugh about it to her," Piper reminded him.

"Yeah, yeah," he waved her off before pecking her on the lips. "Race you to my mom's place."

"Be ready to lose, Jackson!"


End file.
